this novel is a work-in-progress and is written entirely by mechanical turks

Once upon a fleeting time, there was a unicorn.

this unicorn was beautiful and free.

But then she realized she had bills to pay, and an internet connection.

she left her magical land to live among humans and start a new life where she could live beautifully and magically while being able to afford her bills and help her family.

She worked two part-time jobs, one at McDonald’s and one at Walmart.

She soon grew tired of the drudgery required to maintain her happiness and her two horrible jobs.

So the beautiful unicorn decided to pursue her true passion.

She would make paid appearances at Lady Gaga concerts, running around on stage and flying over the crowd.

She shit rainbow turds upon the crowd.

It was from all the food she got at McDonalds while on break.

The unicorn put googly eyes and a mouth on her rainbow turd and created the rainbow poop emoji.

The food made her sick and she died.

maybe she should have had the Unicorn Frappuccino from Starbucks instead.

But Gaga had the power, the power of the babe.

So she sprung back to life because everyone knows unicorns have 4 lives.

This, of course, begs the question: “How many lives would an offspring of a unicorn and cat have?”

So, wanting to know the answer to the question the unicorn set off to find a suitable cat for mating.

Upon reflection the unicorn realized that there were some issues to deal with before she could find the perfect cat mate, the most important of which being her emotional unavailability.

First of all, she went back to seek closure from Lady Gaga after many years of emotional abuse from the singing tyrant.

Lady Gaga lived in a castle far far away, so the unicorn had to prepare for the long journey ahead.

She chose a nice dress of the occasion.

Then off the unicorn went on it’s perilous journey through the infamous water desert.

But the Unicorn couldn’t possibly have imagined what would be encountered in that desert on one fateful night.

Little did the unicorn know that what she would find would shock her and disabuse her of the notion that the world is a good place to live in.

The unicorn met a beautiful steed, but the unicorn didn’t know what she was in for.

The steed told her to follow, and she did; but she began to get nervous as they went deeper and deeper into the forest.

The steed turned back and looked at her with deep, dark eyes and said “trust me”.


It was as if those eyes could peer into her soul. What else could she do but trust him? It was too late to turn back now.

Then a little voice within told her, “No. It’s not too late. Never.”

She remembered she could fly.

So she flew. As simple and as powerful as that.

The end.

Except it wasn’t the end.

The steed had risen into the air behind her, and he was morphing into some kind of monster.

As he followed behind her he began to scream her name.

Horrified, she picked up speed, hoping to outrun the monster.

The last quarter she had spent half an hour on a treadmill was really paying off tonight!

The faster she flew the faster the faster the steed flew.

Until he was right on her tail!

She knew he was gaining on her.

She had to do something but what?

The question was the answer.

She stopped dead in her tracks.

Closed her eyes and breeeeeathed.

And turned and spit fire upon his face, melting it.

Revealing a second unicorn.

This unicorn appeared to be scared and lost.

It shivered with fear.

“Poor darling!” she thought.

Upon closer inspection, the new unicorn was not a unicorn at all! It was just a fat man wearing a horse mask running on all fours! The craftsmanship of the mask and the darkness of night has deceived our heroine! The unicorn should’ve listened to her own instinct to not trust this being! Now what will happen!?

She is tired of running, so she picks up the largest tree branch she can lift and swings it at the fat man in the unicorn suit.

He screams.

She screams too.

The fat man looked at her in disgust. “What are you doing,” he asked?

She suddenly comes to her senses and drops the branch.

Then picks it up again.

And launches it at him.

The branch narrowly misses the fat man’s head.

The fat man, knowing he is outmatched and unsure of what to do next, slowly begins to remove his unicorn suit while maintaining eye contact.

Underneath the unicorn suit is another unicorn suit.

Beneath that second unicorn suit is yet another suit, but this one of a centaur.

And beneath that is one of a Minotaur.

But enough of what is under what.

How is your mother this fine evening?

Mother Earth is doing just fine, thank you.

I know you are lying, please I am genuinely concerned about her well being.

I said she is fine.

Still I will do what I can to keep Mother Earth healthy.

So the unicorn starts a recycling program in the magical land.

She made wonderful works of art with all the recycled materials!

She now will try to do work with composting material.

The composting material smells terribly so she returns to her most precious art works and embraces their glory and imperfection.

She decides to go back to the compost and take a handful of the smelly rotton materials and then goes back inside and smears them on her precious art and says, “This art stinks.”

“You know what? This art stinks so much, I will bury, start over, and create something even more spectacular!” she said, as she carried her canvas smeared with compost out to the compost pile in the yard.

“On second thought, this compost smeared canvas would make a fine Christmas gift for my boss!” she said.

“My boss, Mother Christmas, who has never received a gift for Christmas.”

Yes, your boss would love a natural, earthy recycled, upcycled gift; who wouldn’t?

The Unicorn roars fiercely as she awakens from the malicious daydream she was placed under. The mysterious fat man in animal suit possesses tremendous magical powers and even greater ill will! Who knows what would have happened had she stayed lost in her fantasies for even just a few seconds more! The fat man peers at her hypnotically, his beady eyes gleaming under the moon light.

He quickly pulled a small, strange book from his pockets, its cover pulsing with dark red light.

He then found that it had powers of darkness that he did not understand.

The powers of darkness would cause a great shift in the force.

As she eyed the man dressed in black hiding behind the curtain.

She has no doubt about the powers he possessed.

Although she felt scared of him, she also felt a sense of mysterious awe.

“Who was this man?” The unicorn thought.

It was then that the unicorn noticed a vague scar on the man’s face, that she hadn’t noticed before.

Before she could even think, the fat man screams in a shrill voice, “In the name of the Moon, I will punish you!”

The unicorn blinked her eyes and rainbow colored sparkles flew from her horn casting a protective shield all around her.

Then the boys started head banging to Enter Sandman by Metallica!

The Unicorn began to do the running man all the way down the road.

Suddenly, a school bus came barreling down the road, straight toward the unicorn!

Out came the Angel she saw in her dreams from her childhood, also it makes her dizzy and disoriented.

The beautiful unicorn flew up into the storm clouds.

She flew and flew until she realized that her precious wings had been reposed because her artwork was bad and no one bought any.

Even she was sad, she still had hope, because we know that every situation can change and turn around for our good.

A single tear rolled down her cheek.

The school bus came to a stop and the driver watched the unicorn as she began to cry.

and couldn’t help to feel the emotion emitting from the beautiful unicorn.

The children in the bus pointed their fingers at her and yelled excitedly.

“A UNICORN!” they bellowed.

The children rushed to the windows of the school bus, in awe of the horned horse.

Then the children noticed the tears streaming out of the unicorn’s eyes.

Tears began to well up in the student’s eyes, too.

For her sadness became their sadness.

For the Unicorn had lost all of its magical powers.

Without powers, the unicorn was just a plain ugly horse.

But shined brilliantly inside with the inner radiance of the sun.

She glanced up at the sky and felt the powerful rays of the sun; suddenly she felt a warmth in her body, it started at her core and radiated outwards.

The blinding light built and built, as everyone stared in awe.

They could not take the intense illumination and yet could hardly bear to look away.

The children stopped crying as the horse transformed back into the glorious unicorn version of herself.

The unicorn felt vindicated because she was once again the most awesome creature on the face of the world.

she suddenly realized that all the magic, and all the power was a part of her, and no one could take that away.

Because of her faith, she stood strong.

As the children watched, the unicorn began to disperse, at first slowly like an early mist on a lake, then fainter like smoke from a campfire curling up into the sky.